I think it’s safe to say that we all have fallen victim to lust, to the desire to be with another.
Would you consider it normal to degrade yourself for just an hour of satisfaction? Apparently I thought that was the best thing for me, for a long time.
Now, I’m not going to take you on a horribly detailed journey so that you can feel sorry for me – I’ve taken care of that part. I want you to think about it, is going through the same journey is the right thing?
I recall one desperate night. It was a Saturday; you know how it goes, night out, a little too much alcohol, that happy mood that you get in where you love every aspect of life. Any form of attention and I was struck with this form of adoration towards the person, even if I didn’t like them.
Ok, I think we all enjoy attention now and then, it gives us a feeling that we are wanted, that we’re not at the bottom of everyone’s list. A little is healthy, but searching for attention may be toxic.
Anyway, that night I received a message for a not-so-bad-looking person (yeah, it was one of those apps. Don’t judge me) asking me if I’d like to meet. Of course, being the lovely person that I am, I couldn’t refuse. “They’re already out, there’s nothing wrong with saying hey?” I thought to myself. Indeed, they were just around the corner, but sometimes the easy is not the best option.
I was on such a high that night. I hadn’t had a relationship for over a year. Finally, I was getting somewhere. I’d told my friends to head off home without me, to which they responded with wolf whistles and cat calls – the typical response. Then I departed ways, searching the night.
Once I met the person, nothing could have been better. They were incredibly sweet, funny, with a tad bit of bitchiness, which is a trait I enjoy. But then they invited me back to their’s. “It’s not far, plus it’s getting a little cold, anyway.” They explained. I agreed almost immediately, as the journey to their home seemed closer than the one to mind.
We jumped in a taxi, and sat in near silence for the 10 minute ride.
I won’t bore you with the details of what occurred in their room, but you can imagine.
I didn’t regret a thing, until 4am, where they turned to me and said. “Ok, I want to you to go. You can show yourself out, yeah?” They said in their most monotone voice. I was broken. They showed not a single sign of care on their face. Not one, but I did.
It took me nearly an hour to work my out out of their College, which was bad enough. But the worst thing, was that it took a further two, long, cold hours to find my way home. The road was long and dark, damp and bleak. I had never felt so happy to see my own front door. I was drained and hurt. The second I stumbled through that door, I closed in and collapsed on the stairs, crying my eyes out at how stupid I had been.
I don’t think I’ll ever quite understand the way we how, how we crave to feel wanted, but I do understand that – at least for me – it seems far better to surround yourself with people that won’t leave you feeling deflated and used, like friends and family, or even your future partner.