Recall

I can feel my heartbeat. I can hear it when I lay on my chest as though it was in my ears. It tells me that I’m alive, that I’m still ticking, but it also tells me that I’m getting older. And that terrifies me.

After each and every beat, I age, and I’ll keep aging until my heart stops beating. That’s when I’ll know I won’t age further. But, my body will keep on changing. I want to be buried. Where? I don’t know, but I do know that I want my body to remain intact for as long as possible… even when time begins to set in on my corpse.

I often repeat a saying to myself: For time is not the giver of life, but the dawn of the end that follows the knife. I like it simply because it’s the cold truth; Time eventually brings death to things that are alive, just like a knife could do once it makes contact with something or someone. Time. That’s my enemy. I’d give anything just to slow it down a little. I would of course love to step back in time, to see my grandma again, but time waits for no man, and my life must keep ticking away… but I just wish it would slow down a little.

I’m 21. Twenty. Fucking. One. I remember standing in front of a mirror in my bedroom at my dad’s. I was about 11 or something like that. Age didn’t matter then. But something else did. I remember seeing myself in the poorly lit reflection, my hair a little too long for my liking, my green eyes gawking back at me, and I remember feeling this odd sensation as I realised that I was actually alive. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but to me it was an odd experience. I understood some ways of life, and I knew that the chances of me ever existing were slimmer than you’d think.

There was a moment then, where I tried to think back. I thought back to a stupid time like 10,000 BC. And there was nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Not even darkness. It’s like when you’re asleep, having a dream, and once you wake up, you’ll try and recall the dream for a while. But sometimes you can’t. Sometimes, you see nothing, not even black. It was in that moment where I began to realise that it might all end the same way it began. With nothing.

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A Rogue Thing

This one is going to be a bit rough. Well, then again, when are they never?

I recently had a thought spiral; what is the point in living? The question isn’t regarding the thought of not seeing a point in living, but just a rogue ponder of why we are living. If we MUST earn a living in some form, solely to support ourselves and contribute to the forever failing government that rarely gives anything back, then what is the point?

Take a moment to question it. We go to school in order to develop our minds in order to gain the knowledge to eventually get a job, and once we get a job, we have must work until we are at an age where we are more than halfway through our lives (sometimes 3/4 through), and once we retire, we don’t have the time, nor the energy to do what we always wanted to do. And after that? Well, that’s where things become bleaker than ever.

For those lucky few who do the work they’d happily do for the rest of their lives – I’m happy for you. For the rest, I feel your pain. I get it, I truly do.

I’m only 21, so I probably haven’t reached the point in my life where I’m happy with what I’ve done, such as starting a family. Yet, there’s a darkening thought that resides within that lifestyle; yes, starting a family is probably one of the best things that could happen within your life, but it can easily be one of the worst after time. I’m not saying that it’s something to avoid, I’m simply stating that everything ends at some point, and once it does, despair and sorrow sinks in.

I’m happy to be alive. That’s one thing I’m sure of, but I’m not happy that my life will eventually come to an end. That’s the one thing I know I can never come to terms with, and I know I’m not alone. It’s natural to fear death, and the struggle I’ll forever face is finding a way to give my life a meaning, whether that be doing what I dream of doing, or allowing myself to smile knowing that I can make someone else smile, too.

 

A Rogue Thought

Let’s start with the question I ask myself a lot of the time: what happens when we die?

Can’t answer me? Don’t worry, I never expected you to. Quite frankly, I’m afraid of the answer, even if the answer is something I want to hear. Knowing the truth isn’t always the best medicine for wonder, as I’m sure you’re aware, but then again, what are we gunning for?

I know that I’m not the only person who is afraid of the end, and to be honest, I question those who aren’t. Fear is what drive us to do things, to live and love, to help others. Fear of failing, fear of falling, and fear of rejection is what give us the motivation to keep on pushing until we can’t do no more.

Sometimes I wonder if the easiest option would be to eradicate the possibility of a depressed life. I mean, the end is ultimately the same regardless of how it occurs, right? Then again, that’s a selfish though. I’d be robbing myself of the possible riches life has to offer. Not only that, but I’m skipping the chance of making something of this life, like starting a family and making someone else happy. Isn’t that more important?

As usual, I’m rambling, but this all makes sense to me, even though I sometimes question my own thoughts and sanity. Death is an art in the form of sorrow, but life is a gift that we were all lucky enough to be given. The chances of an individual being born is one out of the masses. Taking that away seems a waste, even if the life is nothing more than a bleak horizon.

 

Ew, you sponge off the government?

Seriously, I’m sick of hearing that question.

To those of you who haven’t read my previous posts: I’m currently receiving Universal Credit, which, to some people, means I’m stealing your hard-earned money.

Trust me, I feel physically sick at the thought of it. Really, I do.

I’m the kind of person that has to be occupied. There’s rarely any moment in most days where I don’t want to be doing something. Even writing this blog-post allows me to feel somewhat productive. I despise sitting around, strolling through the internet doing nothing. I just don’t see the point.

Now, going back to the main point of this post – Yes, I’m being given money for doing nothing. Well, a small amount of money that doesn’t even support living for the majority of days, but it keeps me alive. But what a lot of people don’t understand is that everything is not as it seems.

In my last role as an administrator, I didn’t pass my probation. I simply wasn’t the role for me; I was bored, feeling as though I had the potential to do something grater and more productive, and this sadly reflected on my work. Now, I can hear what you’re saying, “but it’s a job, stop being ungrateful!”. Believe me, if I’d have kept that job if I could have.

Within the space of a few months, everything fell apart for me: I broke up with my partner, who I still miss dearly, I lost my job, I had to stop driving my car, I couldn’t afford to travel to interviews, hell, I couldn’t even afford to travel to the doctors to pick up my inhalers for my asthma. I fucked up.

The struggle with finding a new job after being dismissed is that a lot of employers are quick to assume that an individual is untrustworthy once they have been dismissed from a single role. I’m a hard worker, I put effort into my work to ensure I have a future, and just because I made a tiny slip up – just like everyone else has done – doesn’t mean I’m destined to be a failure for the rest of my life. I think people are just too quick to judge, and I’m sure you understand what I mean by that.

If you’ve ever struggled to make ends meet at the end of each month (or sometimes even at the beginning), then I’m sure you can understand the situation I’m in. I have been lucky enough to have family who ensure I eat enough to keep me alive, but I’m 21 years of age, I shouldn’t have to be relying on others to care for me. Is that wrong to think? Sometimes I reject the help just so I don’t appear to be weak, which has caused me to be ill on more than one occasion. Perhaps I need to swallow my pride a little more.

It kills me when people assume that I’m on Universal Credit just because I don’t want to work. Yes, there are a few people out there who would rather have tax payers pay for their food, water, electricity and unneeded items rather than go to work and have the satisfaction of spending their hard-earned money, but that doesn’t mean everyone is the same. Sometimes it’s just hard to get yourself back out there, sometimes confidence fails when an opportunity arrives.

Sometimes, we just need a little moral support.

Guys, if you’re one of those hard-working individuals who pays taxes that allows me to live, then I can’t thank you enough, because I don’t deserve it, but I promise that soon, hopefully, I can return the favour.

Like Clockwork

Have you ever wondered why we need to go to school, why we need to work?

Of course, the answer to that question is “to make a living”. That’s it put simply. But, why?

Making a living, to most people, is earning money, being able to buy food and pay the bills. But to me, it’s something more than that. I take pleasure in helping others, as many have helped me over the years. I want to make  living not only to survive, but to give back to those who gave to me.

What do you want to do in your life?

If you don’t have an immediate answer, then it’s up to you to find that out. No, I’m not talking about wanting to be rich and famous, it;’s the reasons that I’m talking about, the reasons for fame and riches. I personally want to become a full-time author, what do you want to do?

You didn’t go to school every day for years on end to just be able to survive, no, you’re not clockwork, you’re not controlled by something. Ambition is something that is missed by the majority of people who are caught up in getting a job and surviving – those are the two basic things you need, not the things that you want. Do you want to live to help others? Live to start a family of your own? Do you want to do something with your time that you enjoy, or is beneficial to those around you?

Those are the questions you should be asking yourself, the questions that matter!

It took me a long time to realise that I was living my life by the book. I was moving like clockwork. I got up, I went to work, I came home and ate, I got paid, I repeated. It took me years to realise that I was missing the one thing that mattered: my own desires.

Once I noticed that my life was empty, a lightening bolt struck my mind. My thoughts were fighting with one another to try and figure out what to do in my spare time, and once I found it, everything changed. I had a purpose to live. It may not have mattered to anyone else just yet, but for then, and for now, it matters to me, and that’s all I care about.

 

I ask you again, what do you want to do in your life? And remember, you’re not a gear in the clock.

 

I ask you again, what do you want to do in your life? And remember, you’re not a gear in the clock.

A Step Up From Failure

There’s been too many times in my life where I have felt lost, felt that the lights were out. I didn’t know which way to turn or who to turn to, but each time, I got through it.
People may tell you that they always have bad, that they have nothing in their life, and although I wish them nothing but good fortune, I believe that they themselves are part to blame.
True, sometimes people simply can’t help but live a bad life, sometimes it’s against their will, but a lot of the time, there’s always a way to push forward. Learn from your mistakes.
When I lost my job, I was devastated. My world came crashing down within a single week. Imagine having a happy life: your own flat with your partner, a dog, a good paying job, and a car. Imagine having all that you wanted, and it being taken away from you in a fraction of the time in which you gained it.
I was stupid, so I lost my job, I was reckless, so I never saved any money, I was heartless, so I lost my partner, I was broken, so I lost my flat. The only thing I didn’t lose, was my Beagle, Lola. She was the only face that remained the same. No matter how hard times were, she’d always welcome me home with a cuddle and a wagging tail.
I learned something from that tough, unforgiving month: routine. I bet you’re a little confused, yes? Bare with me on this.
My days were all over the place; I’d stay up incredibly late, have slow days at work, have days where I would allow my grumpiness to affect my partner, and even forget to take my dog out for a walk. Routine helped me change all of that.
When you get used to something, like waking up at a specific time, it becomes second nature, you almost forget that you have to do it. I lost my way, but that doesn’t mean you have to lose yours.
There will be times in life where you feel the world is against you. But believe me when I say that only you can turn it around. You’ve done something wrong in the past, so make sure it doesn’t happen again, get into a new routine, and you’ll soon realise that turning your life around will be a lot easier than you currently realise.

Learning Success

LadderAs an aspiring author, nothing is more satisfying that receiving a good review of my work, and I’m sure you’re the same.

This article doesn’t just apply to writers, but to everyone. If you’re someone who has a passion for doing absolutely anything, then read on.

It took me years to figure out what I was good at. From a very young age, the idea of being an author seemed like a good one, yet, I didn’t know exactly what that was – yes, I knew it meant writing, I knew an author was someone who created a book, but I had no idea what the ingredients were for being a writer.

It wasn’t until Year 9 (you must forgive me, but I don’t know the US Grade equivalent)  that my teacher pointed out just how creative I was. I was always pretty bad at English, both language and literature, but I always loved creating thing. At Primary school, even creating a new game entertained me for days on end. In year 9, it was pointed out to me that I had a talent for creating stories.

Naturally, this excited me more than anything else. Finally, I thought to myself. Yes, finally! Finally, I was good at something… at least I thought I was. Little did I know, that I was far from a good writer at the time.

I remember speaking to my cousin about writing. She pointed out that the best way to become a full-time writer was to enter competitions, to get myself on the map. That certainly is one way of doing it. So, we found a competition known as “Wicked Young Writers”, and the best thing was that the deadline was only a week or to away, so my waiting time wouldn’t be too long.

I immediately go to work on my very first story, “The Baby In The Winter”. The word limit was only 750 words, but that was enough for me. I finished it within a day, and the feeling I felt was second to none. Finally, I was a writer. I had finished something I set my mind to, and the emotions were very rewarding.

Alas, I didn’t make it into the final. My emotions were dragged down to the depths of my heart, turning cold and sour. But I didn’t give in. Next year! I thought to myself, and indeed, next year, I tried again. This time, I tried something a little different: I wrote something similar to a previous winner of the competition – a fan fiction. It became apparent to myself that I had a fascination with dark literature, bleak, cold and unforgiving.

The story I wrote that year was was a much deeper and darker version of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. I saw a huge change in my writing style. It was fuller, bolder, and far more descriptive than the last. I had learned what a paragraph was (somehow I missed that lesson in school…), and I understood the fabrics of a story.

Alas, that year, I didn’t get in again. I began to lose hope. Maybe my writing simply wasn’t good enough? Yes and no. My writing was solid, but it lacked originality. I understood how to write, but I was missing the one thing that makes a story stand out – NEW. I was missing my own ideas, failing to see past the curtains; there was a good story there, but it wasn’t what wanted to write, no, it was what I thought others wanted to read.

The third year soon came by, and this time, my story was strong, original, what I wanted to read. I persevered. I had hope this time. I had actually sat down and thought it through, it was my own story.

That year, and the year that followed, I got into the top 20 in the country. I didn’t win, but it was something.

Dedication. That’s what I learned. Most people fall at the first sign of failure. I almost did, but I didn’t let myself fall. I took it upon myself to never accept no as an answer, and it paid off. Now, my mind knows no limits.

Failure is the sole reason we persevere. If we succeed in everything that we do, we’ll never learn anything. When faced with failure, know that it isn’t a step back, but a ladder. It’s not going to be easy to make it to the top, it will take time, a very long time, but the end goal will never change, so long as you learn from your last step.