Lay in Silence

As my eyes close, I hear them talk,

Speaking to themselves as though I’m not even here.

The silence is disturbing, the dark is intrusive,

But the voice in my head rings louder than pain.

I lay in silence as my head dares to rest,

Without a purpose to wake again.

The voices are damning, although they’re not real,

So perhaps this life is filled with deception.

What must I do, when no one can hear them?

Do I embrace their lies, pretend they’re not poison?

I lay in silence as the world falls still,

Without a single word to tell me what’s real.

A Desperate Night

I think it’s safe to say that we all have fallen victim to lust, to the desire to be with another.

Would you consider it normal to degrade yourself for just an hour of satisfaction? Apparently I thought that was the best thing for me, for a long time.

Now, I’m not going to take you on a horribly detailed journey so that you can feel sorry for me – I’ve taken care of that part. I want you to think about it, is going through the same journey is the right thing?

I recall one desperate night. It was a Saturday; you know how it goes, night out, a little too much alcohol, that happy mood that you get in where you love every aspect of life. Any form of attention and I was struck with this form of adoration towards the person, even if I didn’t like them.

Ok, I think we all enjoy attention now and then, it gives us a feeling that we are wanted, that we’re not at the bottom of everyone’s list. A little is healthy, but searching for attention may be toxic.

Anyway, that night I received a message for a not-so-bad-looking person (yeah, it was one of those apps. Don’t judge me) asking me if I’d like to meet. Of course, being the lovely person that I am, I couldn’t refuse. “They’re already out, there’s nothing wrong with saying hey?” I thought to myself. Indeed, they were just around the corner, but sometimes the easy is not the best option.

I was on such a high that night. I hadn’t had a relationship for over a year. Finally, I was getting somewhere. I’d told my friends to head off home without me, to which they responded with wolf whistles and cat calls – the typical response. Then I departed ways, searching the night.

Once I met the person, nothing could have been better. They were incredibly sweet, funny, with a tad bit of bitchiness, which is a trait I enjoy. But then they invited me back to their’s. “It’s not far, plus it’s getting a little cold, anyway.” They explained. I agreed almost immediately, as the journey to their home seemed closer than the one to mind.

We jumped in a taxi, and sat in near silence for the 10 minute ride.

I won’t bore you with the details of what occurred in their room, but you can imagine.

I didn’t regret a thing, until 4am, where they turned to me and said. “Ok, I want to you to go. You can show yourself out, yeah?” They said in their most monotone voice. I was broken. They showed not a single sign of care on their face. Not one, but I did.

It took me nearly an hour to work my out out of their College, which was bad enough. But the worst thing, was that it took a further two, long, cold hours to find my way home. The road was long and dark, damp and bleak. I had never felt so happy to see my own front door. I was drained and hurt. The second I stumbled through that door, I closed in and collapsed on the stairs, crying my eyes out at how stupid I had been.

I don’t think I’ll ever quite understand the way we how, how we crave to feel wanted, but I do understand that – at least for me – it seems far better to surround yourself with people that won’t leave you feeling deflated and used, like friends and family, or even your future partner.

Where To Go From Here?

You might be sitting at your computer, or sat hunched over your phone, thinking a multiple number of things. Is one of those thoughts about you growing up? Finding a partner, starting a family, having a successful career?

No? Well read on anyway… please? I’ll pay you in cuddled.

I remember sitting at the desk one day, writing away at a novel that I had invested at least three years of my life in, comparing my life to those of my characters. One in-particular stood out – it wasn’t a happy story line, but it was a typical one. The typical, man and woman marry, have two children kind of story. You get what I mean?

I remember sitting there, twirling a pen between my fingers mindlessly, thinking about how my life would turn out like that. I wasn’t “dreaming”, I was simply pondering the thought. And something popped in my mind – do we dream about what we are expected to do? Think about it carefully. Perhaps I’m mad, in which case, please tell me because I’ve been wondering that for years – I mean, I don’t trust people who put the milk in tea first. But just, think, just for a moment.

Your parents were likely married, or maybe not, but either way, they were likely a man and a woman who decided to have a child. You. You grow up a little, go to school and learn about the Nuclear Family, about how you’re expected to contribute to society by slaving away from a fraction of wage that your superior gains. Is it really the right thing to do? Or are we just encouraged to let go of our dreams?

Now, I’m not saying that everyone you encounter will be trying to whip you into a good adult, but why doesn’t the education system help you discover something other than the academic curriculum already set in place? Maybe your teachers pushed you down the road of your talents, but I certainly know mine didn’t.

I’m babbling on here, but there is a point to it all, just bare with me… ok? You’re still there, right?

The point of this is all is to try and encourage you not to be a sheep. You don’t follow shepherds, you find your own farm! They say “The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall not want”, but that should not be applied to everything. Do what you love, even if you’re told not to. I was told that I’d never become an author, yet here I am, writing a novel. Why? Because I don’t let tradition define me.

Once a month, ask yourself, “Where do I want to go from here?”. It’s risky to play by the book. You’re encourage to read the text carefully, to take care of the book so that your children may follow. No, you shouldn’t do it by the book, you should rip out the bloody pages and find the book that you want!

Perhaps this post makes no sense, which I doubt it does, but you never know unless you try – and that’s my point. Try stepping outside the box and draw your own path. It’s your life, your rules, you’re not playing anyone’s game.


Take care everyone! 🙂

A Jobseeker Journey

Well this went t*ts-up quickly, didn’t it?

After a failed year at sixth-form, I ventured down the path of apprenticeships – a great way into a career for both, but a nightmare for me. What a surprise!

I won’t go too in-depth with the boring details of a career path that was worse that putting the milk in first for a cup of tea (seriously, I don’t trust anyone who puts the milk in first, like, who even are you?), so I’ll skip straight to the first time was on job seekers – yeah, the FIRST time, the second time is worse, and still on going… anyone who wants to pray for Liam?

At first, the fact i was unemployed didn’t phase me too much. For the first week, I spent every second of my time writing up a new best selling novel… don’t laugh, ok? I was four years ago, I was young! It was at this point where I suddenly felt free; I had just got rid of a dead-end relationship, and now, I was free of a horrific job that made me go deaf in both eyes and blind in both ears.

But soon the writing came to a halt, and the realisation that money is even more important than food hit me faster than my money hit the counter at Waterstones. So, I began the dreaded job search.

I got a job within a month – and may I add, it was an incredibly long month. But, a job is a job! Anything that pays the bills and keeps Death behind a door is a positive thing.

Now, I went from one job directly into the next within a year. I was finally happy in the role that I had found, as I was finally allowed to tell people off without getting a court order for assault… to clarify, I’m a good boy…

But, that role fell through, as thus JSA welcomes me back like a puppy, just not as cute or as wanted. This time around, it’s hard. By God it’s bloody hard. Within the space of a month, I had lost the best relationship I’ve ever had, and another job. Nothing more could have gone wrong, right? Wrong. I’m sure you’re familiar with money, and how it allows you to buy and keep things?

I own a pretty cheap but nifty car that I relied on for commuting to and from work, but now that I was unemployed, I couldn’t afford the petrol nor the insurance. The worst part of this was the fact that being without a vehicle makes is 1000% more difficult to find a job.

There’s only so much you can take. When you’re sitting on a job search website, throwing your CV out to anyone with a pair of eyes, you feel less of a person, having to reply on had working people’s money in order for you to literally survive. (To all of you readers who are tax payers, I thank you on behalf of everyone going through my issue for allowing us to have another chance. We’d literally be underground if not for you).

As the months strolled by, it became clear to me that this was not going to be as easy as the last time. The mind can only stretch so far before is break, and believe me, mine is near its maximum pull.

Yet, there is a tiny, very hard to see silver lining. In the darkness, there is hope, just like how in the light, there is fear. The time taken for me to find a job has given me a further, more complete understanding of how the world works, how sometimes the innocent is punished, and the grotesque rewarded. Yet support is there for both, whenever needed. It’s a bitter sweet thing to realise, but I hope that for those of you who are going through the same struggle as I am, can find and share a likeliness between you and I, and know that there is help when it’s needed, no matter how dyer the situation seems.

For anyone who feels like they have no one to turn to, or no voice to speak up, I encourage you to contact myself at:  and put the subject “Notebook – WordPress”